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Help: My Husband has moved his Mistress into Our Home

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‘’When I just had our second baby. I told my husband about the need to get someone who would be assisting me at home. Running the home and minding my newborn and our first child (a toddler) was taking its toll on my stress level. After a few weeks, he said that he has a relative that he can bring to the City to start living with us. I was very excited.

One week later, my husband came home during ‘lunch break’ with a lady (probably in her 30s) who looks nothing like someone from the village. When we were alone, my husband explained that the lady in question has had a failed marriage and just trying to pick up the pieces of her life. He said that she does not have a child yet.

I told my husband that I am not comfortable having his adult relative live with us. It’s true that I need a help at home but I asked for a much younger person that I can control.

Where do I start from, with this adult relative of his, whom I am just setting my eyes on for the first time, despite having been married to him for 6 years?

Do you know that my husband pointedly told me to deal with the lady’s presence in our home, that he cannot send her packing (for no reason) because of me.

My Husband and his Lady Friend

The lady seems to have sensed the tension between me and my husband and kind of stays away from me. The few times she cooked, I didn’t really like her food and I took back the control of my kitchen. Do you know that my husband mandated her to start cooking for just the two of them? She is also the one that he gives feeding money to, these days.

We occupy a two bedroom flat and when I told My husband that I would be sleeping with the children every night-instead of having someone I do not know sleep in my children’s room, my husband asked the lady to start sleeping in the bedroom. As things are right now, she shares the bedroom with him while I moved to my children’s room.

I really am feeling hurt about my husband’s attitude in all these and I want your advice. Don’t I have any right in what happens in my home at all?

My parents live in Lagos and I am thinking of just going away with my children before these people make me mad.

For some months now, my sustenance has been coming from my family. My husband gives our feeding allowance directly to that lady and I refused to have anything to do with that.

I am from the South West while my husband is an Edo man. He is employed, I am yet to find a job. I am 29 years old, my husband is in his late 30s.’’

My Take on this “My Husband” Issues

While I seat back to think of a more possible advice to give you, I have this to say:

“The DAY you moved out of your matrimonial ROOM was the day you vacated your place in the Heart of your husband” ~ Loveday Anyim

The TRUTH is that we are Africans and Marriage is one of the African Tradition that is not Magical, but taken and understood from different perspectives.

Before you married your Golden husband, you must have seen his lifestyle and noticed some stuffs, but you were blinded by LOVE.

When you were pregnant, you must have noticed some signs that Bobo don tear band, but you took it will ease.

The moment he came back with this shining lady, you upped your “complain” button and inadvertently saw her as your husband’s new wife, that’s why he relaxed and accepted the fact that you have already made up your mind on who, why and where she belongs in your Home.

You kind of lost control of your home the day you decided to move over to your children’s room. I mean, you do not GIVE ROOM TO THE DEVIL and then call on God to come save you when you start to drown.

Which of your friends gave you that kind of advice? Oya let them come and fix the mess.

The truth is that your husband have been lost in the fact that he is not being satisfied by you due to hormonal changes during and after giving birth. My take is that he WAS NEVER part of your giving birth process. You made it all about you or he was a coward during that process or he was lost in his thoughts and never fully participated I that process, this made him feel annihilated.

Husbands MUST endeavour to be part of their wife’s birthing process from inception to giving birth, to enable him understand what the woman goes through and initiate a HEAVENLY RESPECT in him.

You don’t treat a woman who just gave birth and trying to restart her life that kind of treatment even if she became bad overnight due to the rumblings of her hormones.

Get back to your bedroom, take control of your kitchen (which are the two most vital TRADITIONAL Marriage stools in Africa).

I might give you the Western or Oriental Advise, but it ain’t gonna work in Benin City or any Nigerian State.

Don’t let a Strange woman take over your home and your man, do not dig your own grave by your hands because your husband decided to be greedy.

Again, did he marry you in the African Traditional way, or were you handed over to him when you became pregnant with your first child? This might be significant in understanding why he behaved the way he did.

Lots of things to say, but the major thing is get back control of your home by moving back to your matrimonial bedroom. Let the other woman understand that you are back.

If she does not want to leave the room, then let her sleep on the floor in the room. You cannot accuse your husband of telling the other lady to move into the room, when you created that vacuum due to your anger.

This post first appeared on Chukwuneta Oby’s Facebook page and reposted with permission.

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7 Comments

  • Well, the honest truth is that "an engagement Ring" does not mean LOVE, even a Wedding RING (most times) does not necessarily mean LOVE.

  • Well there is such a thing as 'family planning'..he should have considered that or better still not married her and end up treating her this way. Hmmm maybe that's another reason why they say he should put a marriage/engagement ring on it before you fall pregnant…so he can be sure it's you he wants to marry not that he was forced into it.

  • He might just be "living" with her, just to pacify his parents and the Society and never really loved her. It might also be that he was in love with the other Lady, whom he has secretly made to quit her marriage in order to come and live with her and gradually make him happy.

    It might also be that he became angry with himself when she became pregnant again, and he was secretly seeing the other lady and promised her of being there for her (which may have forced her to quit her marriage). At least the lady said she was newly divorced.

  • Really???? It took him 2 children before he decided to bring a mistress home. Why wait that long? The resentment should have either died by then or maybe it was only rekindled again. Either way, it sounds weird that it's only now he's behaving like that due to resentment. He shouldn't have married her then, if the resentment was there from the beginning. And as per the African traditionalists, I only hope they have changed their stance towards that bride price ish. At least, for the name of Africa…because that's kinda backward.
    "The man PAYS the bride price, so if it isn't paid by the MAN, then the woman loses her place or respect in the house?" It sounds more logical if it was the other way round where the WOMAN pays and if she didn't pay, she loses her position.

  • Husbands MUST endeavour to be part of their wife’s birthing process from inception to giving birth, to enable him understand what the woman goes through and initiate a HEAVENLY RESPECT in him.

    You don’t treat a woman who just gave birth and trying to restart her life that kind of treatment even if she became bad overnight due to the rumblings of her hormones.

    Get back to your bedroom, take control of your kitchen (which are the two most vital TRADITIONAL Marriage stools in Africa).

  • It might be that she was forced into that marriage. Depending on the Circumstances that led to his/their marriage, he might feel resentment towards towards his wife, and resulting to him treating her anyhow.

    I don't think the bride price is reduced, but many African Traditionalists believe that if a woman's bride price is not paid, she may not get the desired respect and POSITION in her "husband's" home.

    Some even go to the extent of disinheriting her from her husband's possessions when he is no more.

  • "did they marry the African way or was she pregnant when they were forced to marry each other?" (paraphrased). So I thought about this and my question is..Is that enough to disrespect his wife? Did her bride price reduce if they didn't marry according to the African customs or if she fell pregnant (even by him) and was forced to marry?

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