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Help: My Husband is a Dreamer who has refused to Grow Up

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This story is a case of a 42-year old lady who is married to a 45-year old man. She reports of his lofty dreams which ends up as dreams, and his inability to stand on his two feet.

This has almost become the norm of the day for many families, and I would want you all to read with a thoughtful heart. Please do not hesitate to leave a comment below.

The Story goes like this:

‘What can you say about a man who not only refuses to work but also steals from his wife?

I met my husband in Europe-in the course of my business travels. He wasn’t doing so well economically over there (despite having two degrees from the University) but at least-he had a small job that was paying his bills.

Marriage Talks

When we began to talk marriage, he told me that he wanted to relocate to Nigeria to find his feet-via his contacts here in Lagos. I encouraged him to stay back and only relocate when there is something on ground for him. So when he eventually came home about 5 years ago, I thought his visit was just for our wedding and that he would go back afterwards…for where?

This man is still in the country and…has never worked for one day-since his relocation. I worked all my contacts to get him a job sometime back, he looked me in the eye and claimed that the job was beneath him, yet this is a man that was even doing a lowlier job in Europe and he never complained then.

Could this be selfish?

You don’t want to know how much this man has wasted for me in the cause of my supporting every lofty business idea that he came up with. I just had to stop giving him money-although it was not an easy decision for me. Just that once in a while-I give him money for fuelling his car or upkeep if I am traveling for business.

The Problem:

The problem right now is that he has become such a liability and carrying him economically is choking me to death. The worst part of it is that he is not making any efforts to start from somewhere. He keeps dreaming about contracts that will be worth millions, he readily drops the names of his classmates that are doing so well in Nigeria and he feels he can do better than those people.

My biggest hurt is that my husband has had to take (without telling me) my money on several occasions. How long will I continue to deal with this?

I will be 42 years later this year and I had a baby less than 4 years ago. I need to begin to put my resources together for the future of my child.

Third Party Deliberations

I have reported my husband to his people, his elder brother (who lives abroad) advised me to kick him out. He said it’s the only way that he can begin to put his acts together. I am the eldest of three children from my parents and my younger siblings don’t even see eye to eye with him, they feel he is living off me. I want the Parliament to look into this matter and advise me.

I am from the South-South. My husband is from the South West. And he is 45 years old.’’

This story is as seen on the Facebook page of Chukwuneta Oby, a Seasoned Relationship Guru that I have come to admire. Please add your comment at the end of your reading.

My Take on this Dreamer:

“How long will I continue to deal with this?” – Till Death do you Part, except he wakes up one morning and decides to GROW UP.

I think one of the problems I can see from your narratives is a Foundational Problem. I do not know how both of you came to know each other and decided to marry, but I have always believed that IF the FOUNDATION is not RIGHT, everything built on it will crack.

Your Husband is a man with many Ideas, but NO DEADLINE. I am guessing that you may have OPPOSED almost all his Ideas and (kind of) RUBBISHED them in his presence, this may have made him to grown a THICK SKIN in everything you say or every connection you bring to his way. This is one of the NATURAL problems of Men. They are like Babies, stupid to a fault.

Again, from experience, the Way and MANNER you deliver your message to your Spouse sends a strong signal to their brain cells to either deliver the message to the right senses, or trash the message as it comes. Once the brain kicks in this Program, it becomes difficult to unlearn, except one decided to FORGIVE and LET GO.

You need to sit with YOUR HUSBAND and talk like friends… but this takes time to rebuild the friendship again. Something must have sparked your interest in each other that lead to marriage (Except if it was marriage of circumstantial convenience) even at that, most people who found themselves in such situations, MELLOW DOWN and develop LOVE for each other.

There is no need of stressing who does this or that in the home. Your Husband is passing through the “Infidelmatomiosis Situation” – This in a layman’s point of view, is the Inability to provide for his Home. Unless he decides to reverse his thinking process, it would be hard to undo, and unless you stop hammering of what you have provided for him and his family, he will drill down into that situation.

His brother that is telling you to dump him, I guess he is also passing through an even tougher times in his own marriage. No marriage is complete and no one has the best in such situations. He should have called his brother and in a friendly way, found out what his problem is, and both of them will find ways to solve the problem.

Now for those saying you should take him to Europe and dump him there. Sorry, It won’t work. You will lose him completely (Don’t ask me why).

Have you ever thought of both of you going into your Business? Is there anyway his ideas can be incorporated into your present business and see if it would become a truism? Think in that line. Make him understand that He can come on board and both of you will earn Salaries. You might be just one second away from redeeming your marriage.

Good luck

Written by Loveday Anyim
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